2012's Cinema Nightmares!

2012 has come and gone, and as we welcome in 2013 and build up to my imminent Top 12 of '12 list, as well as the First Annual Beyond Infinity Film Awards later in the month, here's something a little bit different. There's no denying the 2012 was a great year for film, but there were a number of releases that were a little less satisfying; in short, that sucked! So here it is, my 10 least favourite films of 2012 out of the all of the films that I had the displeasure of watching - brace yourself folks, here we go...

Daniel Radcliffe's first big screen project since the end of the gargantuan Harry Potter franchise set the actor his biggest challenge yet; shaking off the weight of the franchise that made his name and to break away from it before becoming stereotyped into the part. So did he do it? No, of course not. I know this may sound like I'm just bullying Radcliffe by badmouthing his career, yet it is this performance that drags down what could have been a special horror film that opted for a more traditional style instead of the tiring Paranormal Activity and Saw films that have plagued the cinema in recent years. Not only did I never believe that the young actor was a widowed father and a successful lawyer, the big problem was that I never saw a character at all, just a performance - or rather an attempt at one. Failing to get behind the lead character meant that the film failed to get an emotional response from me, making The Woman in Black lose all sense of peril and credibility as a result. Click here to read the full review.

I've actually been a strong defender of John Carter, making it known that I believe that the film is no-where near as bad as all of the negative press surrounding it made it out to be - there are far worse films out there that deserve such bad publicity a lot more. In fact John Carter was actually a rather interesting film in context, just as long as you consider the fact that it is adapted from a book published in 1917, then you can see how it was such a strong source of inspiration for most science fiction pieces since, including the likes of Star Wars and Avatar. Yet the film certainly isn't perfect - the performances and storytelling aren't groundbreaking, and I often find the heavy use of CGI somewhat off-putting - but it certainly isn't the worst film released this year... Click here to read the full review.

Despite Meryl Streep's much deserved award winning performance, The Iron Lady was a film that didn't quite get it all right. Whilst the scenes set in the past were engaging and well done, the constant jumps back to the present day Thatcher became a nuisance to me, destroying the flow and the entertainment of the whole film in order to attempt an emotional punch, which I hardly felt as a result. Had the film opted for a simpler narrative looking at Thatcher's incredible historic story - rather than focussing so much on the rather controversial and uncomfortable themes of the dementia of a woman who is still alive and suffering today - the film would have been a much better product as a result. Click here to read the full review.

This one might turn a few heads as Seth MacFarlane's Ted was one of the most popular films of the Summer for a lot of people, but I really didn't think it was all that it is cracked up to be. A new film by the creator of hit TV show Family Guy promised a fresh new inventive comedy, but failed to deliver - there was nothing new or interesting about the film at all. That's not the problem though, the problem is that bar a few moments of great humour, the film wasn't even that funny, which was not helped either by the completely predictable and unengaging plot, and the two-dimensional characters that I just didn't care about at all. The gag is that the teddy bear is alive, and is grown up so swears, does drugs and drinks, etc; the problem is that the joke lasts for 105 minutes longer than it needs to (and yes, the running time was 106 minutes long).  In all honesty Ted bored me more than it entertained me, which is a real shame because someone like MacFarlane has got the talent to create something a lot better than this. Click here to read the full review.

What could have been a wonderful family film adaptation of a book from the genius of Dr. Suess in fact turned out to miss the demographic by a long shot, featuring a ton of entertainment for anyone under five, and very little for anyone else. It is commendable for trying to push its environmental message to the young audience; I just wish that it did it a little more subtly rather than clubbing me around the head with it for the duration of the running time. The songs were pretty fun though. Click here to read the full review.

Just as many people loved Ted, a lot of critics seemed to go wild for the Charlize Theron starring film Young Adult. Yet there is a lot that is fundamentally wrong with the film. Theron's character, an adult still acting as if she's in her teens, is entirely unlikable and although it is arguable that she is not meant to be, the point still stands that I just cannot sympathise with her; especially when the film goes no-where by the end of it! There is no character development, nor any conclusion to her story, by the film's climax she simply fails in her warped plan, sleeps with someone for pity and then uses those who she continues to look down upon for an ego-boost, before going back to what she was doing at the start. Completely anti-climatic and not nearly as funny or clever as it thinks it is, Young Adult is not as good as some critics make it out to be.

While the original was fun, The Expendable 2 is mostly anything but. Tedious, loud, and void of any plot or characters, the explosive sequel goes bigger, but by no means better. Whilst it is redeemed slightly by the big finale which manages to hit the nail on the head and provide the tongue in cheek action fun promised by the packed cast, it is not worth watching the previous hour and a half of the film that takes itself far too seriously to get there. Click here to read the full review.

If John Carter and The Expendables 2 had a baby, it might look like Wrath of the Titans. Soulless and even more two dimensional than the film's 3D effects, watching Wrath of the Titans is about as much fun as smashing your own face in with a large rock. A lot of the expensive CGI-heavy budget is put towards creating not a lot of action at all, as nothing really actually happens in the film. Even the great Liam Neeson spends his time in the film standing there and doing nothing, literally! To think that the film features two of the leading actors from Schindler's List and completely wastes them says an awful lot about this awful film. Whilst Clash of the Titans infamously featured no Titans clashing, this sequel does feature a Titan, but nothing in the way of any wrath, nor enjoyment, excitement or entertainment. Click here to read the full review.

Tom Hardy is a very talented actor, and has starred in two fantastic films this year in two fantastic, menacing, brilliant roles. These films are The Dark Knight Rises and Lawless, because unfortunately even someone as great as Hardy couldn't save the abysmal This Means War. I don't even know where to begin, the film is just stupid. Two spies using their tech and skill to spy on a girl that they are both seeing, and to sabotage each other's dates with her, whilst at the same time the evil villain that they are meant to be stopping is completely forgotten about just like that - ya know, 'cause this is way more important! It's a film that tells people that it's alright to cheat on others and go behind their backs. Formulaic, unfunny, bland, tedious, irritating and terribly cynical, the feeling that you get when watching this film is not unlike the vile after-taste of vomit at the back of your throat. Tom Hardy can do better films than this, and judging by the expression void of any enthusiasm that he shows throughout the film, he knows it too.

I love film. I think that's pretty clear to everyone who knows me or reads this blog. I can't get enough of film, so much so that I'm currently dedicating my life to it. But on a very rare occasion I do have wonder why, especially if I see a film so repugnant and horrible as The Watch. I can't remember ever walking out of a film that was genuinely so bad that it actually gave me a headache! It's ridiculous, stupid, vulgar and not even slightly funny or enjoyable at all. I sat in a screening full of teenagers (who the film is targeting) and I don't remember the film getting a single laugh from anyone. The cast are irritating beyond belief; Ben Stiller is void of humour as the straight man, Vince Vaughn is one of the most unbearable screen presences in film, the recently Oscar nominated Jonah Hill plays an imitation of Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover (and seemingly every other one of his films), and the talents of Richard Ayoade are completely wasted as he gets pushed to the back. This film is a soulless, money grabbing machine designed only to take the money out of your pocket rather than to entertain even slightly - I guarantee that no-one making The Watch thought that it was a good idea, and no-one involved will be proud of it. A film so horrifyingly bad that, The Watch made me so angry that I almost lost faith in film - avoid it like the plague, even if you have to catch the plague to avoid it! Click here to read the full review. 

So there it is, my 10 least favourite films of the 2012, but what were yours? Perhaps some of your favourites are even in my list? Leave your thoughts and lists in the comments section below, as always I'd love to hear what you think. Oh, and Happy New Year everyone - let's hope that 2013 doesn't have many films as bad as these!

Review: The Watch

The original title for this film was 'Neighbourhood Watch' before it became 'The Watch' - the most appropriate title however would have been 'The Do Not Watch'...

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill and Richard Ayoade star in this science-fiction comedy as the members of a very unusual neighbourhood watch group in a small American town. After forming to try and make a difference to the town the group are instantly mocked for being an utter joke, but when an alien invasion strikes the area; are the team able to finally prove their worth by defeating the alien invaders, or will their foolish antics lead to the potential end of the world!?

For a film about the possible end of the world it sure as hell did a good job of convincingly portraying that feeling, as sitting in the cinema viewing The Watch did make me feel like I and the entire world surrounding me was very slowly and painfully dying, as my will to live slowly and steadily slipped away.

There genuinely isn't very much that I can positively say about the film, so let's get the good stuff out of the way straight off. Yes there were a couple of times that I did chuckle during the film (note that I said chuckle, not laugh out loud), although most of the film's gags are examples of extreme humour (turning it up to 11 in an attempt to make something unfunny, funny) or simply not funny at all, and you can almost certainly see the best moments in any of the trailers that have been playing in front of every film for the last few months. Watch the trailer - it's free and it's short - and then go and have a nice day. Admittedly the design of the alien's was pretty good, even if they are taken from Alien, Predator and District 9 (let's think positively; an inspired by homage, not a blatant rip-off...), and the ridiculous green gooey 'semen-texture joke' blood completely let it down. Oh and there are some pretty good songs in there too, but you have to credit those artists and not the film for those. So that's three good things then... well two... maybe just one... actually, zero - even the good bits in this film are bad!

Vince Vaughn's facial expression - not too different to my own throughout The Watch

So speaking of the bad bits in this film, where do I begin? Well let's start with the cast as clearly judging by the poster that's what the studio are selling this film on (despite half of them being past their best days, one being just a small TV actor who has the potential to become something more, and the other being the only one of the four who's actually popular at the moment). Ben Stiller is completely wasted in the straight man role - the guy who has to remain serious to maintain the plot whilst the others all idiotically goof off - and as a man with great comedy potential, he is not funny. Vince Vaughn ultimately comes across annoying as a man trying to be funny, but is not. Jonah Hill (an actor nominated for an Oscar earlier this year for his brilliant performance in Moneyball) tries to be funny and popular by doing his best impression of Zach Galifianakis' character in The Hangover (and every other Galifianakis film come to think of it), and ultimately is irritatingly stupid and not funny. Richard Ayoade is the best actor in the cast, but ultimately gets put in the corner for most of the film whilst the 'real Hollywood stars' do all the work, and is therefore forced into being unmemorable and not funny. I'm not sure if I'm making my point clear enough here, but the same two words keep appearing: 'not funny.' This is a comedy that is just mind-numbingly painful and simply put: Not Funny! I wasn't a huge fan of Ted earlier this year, but this makes Ted look like a masterpiece in comparison. There were a number of uncomfortable moments throughout the film where small pauses of awkward silence filled the cinema as the actors were almost pausing for the audience to laugh - which no-one did. At all! It was almost like you could see it in each of the actors' eyes; a look of complete embarrassment and a lack of any motivation - and you know what? I guarantee that not one member of that cast is proud of this film in the slightest.

Zach Galifianakis Jonah Hill does his best at trying my patience to be funny in The Watch

There is another big problem with The Watch, and it is that it doesn't even feel like a film; instead it feels like the following. Firstly, it feels like a star vehicle to give Stiller and Vaughn some work and to try and get them into the public consciousness again, and the boost Hill and Ayoade's profiles - to which the film has completely failed. Secondly, it feels like a half complete script, which apparently it actually is (supposedly it was put on the shelf mid way through writing, and then picked up by the studio who said "this'll do!"), explaining why the film is so inherently unfunny, uninteresting and underdeveloped. Thirdly, it feels like you're watching a studio balance sheet - a film that makes you aware that the studio is just taking that well earned money out of your pocket even if it's not worth it. Now I know that most films exist to make profit, and that's not the point - when you watch most films you don't sit and think about this fact, you're usually invested in it enough that you either don't think about it or appreciate that there's actually some thought, work, care and craftsmanship going into it regardless. When watching The Watch all I could think of (except how much I was hating the experience) was 'how the hell did a film this bad get made!?' Simply put, no-one - I repeat, NO-ONE - making this film thought it was a good idea, or that it would be enjoyable or funny - it is merely a large, greedy corporate vehicle of a film designed to completely exploit a gap in the cinema calendar and its audience. The problem isn't the fact that this is what it is, the problem is when you sit there feeling like this is what it is rather than experiencing an involving, entertaining, and in this case funny emotional response to the film and its characters.

I can sympathise with the alien who's just had its brains blown out in this picture...

The Watch is - simply put - a film so horribly bad that it genuinely gave me a headache just watching it. It is a comedy that isn't funny. It is a star vehicle that won't turn its cast into bigger stars. It is a studio balance sheet that won't make much money. It is a genre film whose target audience won't even enjoy that much if at all, and anyone who has paid to watch it will feel that they are being robbed. It is a film that fails on every level, so much so that I genuinely loathed watching it. It is a dull, uninvolving, and worst of all unfunny comedy film that made me feel bored, angry and robbed of my time and money - and who in their right mind would want to go to the cinema for that? If you want a science-fiction comedy with a similar story; it may not be perfect and for any flaws that it may have, choose 2011's Attack the Block - or anything else, just please do not give your money to this poor excuse of a film that fails to do anything right.

Verdict: 1/5

The Watch (certificate 15) is now showing in cinemas across the UK.

Have you seen The Watch? Agree or disagree with my review? Leave your thoughts and opinions in the comments section below!

Review: Ted

I'd like to say that Ted left me in more stitches than Ted himself is made of, but not unlike the above poster; that'd be taking the pee...

"Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish" opens the narrator (Patrick Stewart), before continuing; "...except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine." Setting the tone for the film, the young boy he refers to is John Bennett (Bretton Manley) who makes a Christmas wish that his best friend Teddy the teddy bear could be alive. And sure enough in that traditional clichéd Christmas miracle style he does. Years pass and both John (Mark Wahlberg) and Ted (Seth MacFarlane) grow up, but the toils of Ted's celebrity status have taken their toll on him and they now live their drink and drug lifestyles as grown adults. However problems arise when John's girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) has enough of John letting her down as a result of Ted's wild antics, testing their relationship to the limits...

Now I know I'm going to be going against the majority of my peers and demographic here and seriously putting all of my street-cred on the line when I say this, so here goes: I didn't think Ted was that good. There I said it! I know I risk getting a lot of stick for this, and believe me I already have, but hear me out and I'll explain to you why for me at least Family Guy's Seth MacFarlane put the 'Ted' into 'Disappointed,' 'Tedious' and 'Wanted & Expected More'...

Ted and John misbehave in the park (no not like that, but the film isn't beyond that sort of humour of course!)

Seth MacFarlane is best known for making the hit animated TV series Family Guy. You'd think that this unique style of humour would be the saving grace for this film, and something that would hopefully set it apart from most other generic Hollywood comedies today, but in fact that's the reason the film doesn't work. With an episode of Family Guy, each lasting around about 20 minutes long, the show is mostly just a format for jokes and random pop-culture tangents (if you search for clips on YouTube most of them are only 5 to 10 seconds long as the episodes are essentially focused on being a string of jokes), with a minor plot merely being the backbone upon which the jokes can be placed upon - and that works because it's only 20 minute long. This same formula has been transferred to the big screen for Ted, except Ted isn't 20 minutes long, it's just short of 2 hours. By stretching out the running time and transferring it to a live action film the jokes cannot be as random, nor can they be as often either as the film would look more like 2 hours of random clips making an almost You've Been Framed style montage of gags with no sign of any direction. Unfortunately for Ted this exposes the very weak plot of the film, which is essentially a poor, overly clichéd and done to death rom-com formula which is completely predictable from the very start.

But surely that's alright though isn't it, because as we know from the likes of Family Guy the plot is just the backbone for the jokes to be placed on top of!? Unfortunately not, the plot of the story is key unfortunately folks - it's film 101. Looking past the weak plot though, are the jokes even all up to that anyway? Well I'll admit a handful of them were actually very funny, and I did have a good laugh at some of the gags throughout the film. What I do like is MacFarlane's style (particularly the use of Family Guy like music), the clear love for cinema that he himself has (with a number of brilliant references to cult film classics such as Star Wars, Indiana Jones, E.T, and the biggest of all Flash Gordon which has a particularly large influence), and a couple of surprise cameos that pop up along the way too. Mark Wahlberg also does a good job in the lead role, but I did ultimately feel that he was limited by the film and can perform a lot better.

Ted, John and Lori decide to eat out (the bear would make a dirty joke about that caption, I'll refrain from doing so...)

Yet whilst Ted has its moments and good laughs, most of the jokes aren't anything particularly special. Between each of the bigger gags there almost seems to be a bit of a lull where smaller gags bubble up before bursting into a bigger moment (it is no coincidence that it is often here where the weakness of the plot is revealed, and the audience gets a lot quieter as the hysterics drop). A lot of these are okay and do their job of filling the gaps as the smaller jokes of the film, but a lot more of them end up being below average and do become quite tedious. It's at its lowest points were the film opts for 'jokes' that rely upon using swear words, insults, and extremities in order to give the appearance of them being funny. This is the laziest form of writing for comedy and happens far too much in films today; it's the ideology that if a normal sentence isn't funny, then placing a swear word into that sentence instantly makes it funny. There is nothing particularly exceptional or overly memorable about this and it ultimately leads to a lot of the film being entirely forgettable.

Even a lot of the jokes that do work aren't as stand out or as original as you'd expect from the film or MacFarlane either. One of the film's better series of gags comes from the narrator's voice over, which whilst being witty is essentially the same as that of the voice over in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a film that was released nearly 10 years ago (the quote that I used at the start is the perfect example of this). The premise of the film, and the main gag itself which is of course the adult and inappropriate teddy bear is also an idea that has been done before, albeit not on the big screen, but in the video game Naughty Bear (in which you play as a serial killing teddy bear). Speaking of which, this main premise - the 2 hour joke of Ted the swear bear (as I like to call him - there's a joke opportunity missed MacFarlane!) - is one that you can ultimately see from the trailer alone, and not unlike a segment that you'd find in an episode of Family Guy incidentally (which as I established earlier would only last for about 5 to 10 seconds). Unfortunately alongside this some of the film's best jokes are also used in the trailer, and are therefore unsurprising and unfunny when seen in the film; one in particular in fact caused the guy sitting next to me to turn to his mate and say "oh this bit's good", only for the majority of the fully booked screen to then remain silent without as much as a chuckle for the whole segment (spoiler alert: this scene does feature in the trailer below...)

There were three in the bed and the little one said - well, I won't say what the little one said, I do try to keep this blog clean ya know...

I know I'll be fighting against the majority here, and I'm sure that most people who go to see Ted will say that they enjoyed it. This is a Family Guy film made and marketed for the Family Guy fans, with creator of both Seth MacFarlane re-using the same style, structure, brand of humour and most of the cast from the popular animated TV show. Unfortunately the same structure doesn't work when stretched out for the big screen, and the handful of good gags aren't enough to make up for the disappointment that comes from the poor plot and the majority of sub-standard jokes. The majority of the film is ultimately forgettable, and for anyone who's already seen the film, stop and think; just how many of the jokes are actually memorable enough to recall now? Ted is a fairly interesting premise, but one that fails to outlive anything much more than the trailer.

(Please be aware that the trailer below is not safe for work and is inappropriate for anyone under the age of 15...)

Verdict: 2/5

Ted is now showing in cinemas across the UK.

Have you met Ted!? Agree or Disagree with my review? Leave your comments below!